One... two... three... FOUR!

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Last year on Mother's Day, I took a home pregnancy test and found out that I was pregnant. This year, I have a little one who has made such a change in my life... that it doesn't even seem real that I wasn't a mother last year. I love little Jacob so much. I loved him the moment I saw his tiny little image thrashing around on the ultrasound. I fell in love with him even more the first minute I saw him... and then even more when we brought him home and he stared into our eyes each time we held him or fed him. My heart ached with a love beyond words as his tiny little eyes seemed to peer right into my soul. This little being depended on me for e v e r y t h i n g. So tiny... so helpless... so precious. And now, four months have already passed. He gets bigger and bigger and cuter and cuter by the day, but I feel a little sad - a little twinge in my heart - when I look at all of the clothes he's already outgrown. I know it's a very good thing that he's growing... it's just bittersweet. I'm trying to treasure every moment, though, and trying to remind myself during the trying moments that he'll never be this little again.

During his first two months, I called him my "Little Bunky". Kinda like "monkey", I guess... except he wasn't a monkey-baby since he was so little and was having such a terrible time with his gas and the formula. Since he's been on the soy formula, I've found myself calling him "Bunky" less and less. I made up a little song with "Bunky Boo" in one of the verses that I still sing to him occasionally when he's eating and trying to fall asleep, but aside from that... he's now my "Little Buddy" or my "Cutie Pie". :P

Over the last three days or so, he's really been "talking" up a storm at various times during the day. Little "AAAAAAAAA"s and "IIIIII"s are the main noises along with "GAH"s and gurgling coos. He's been giggling quite a bit lately, too, but nothing crazy enough to post on youtube. :P Just cute enough to make me wish he would just smile and giggle all day and never get cranky or fussy.

His hands are still an endless source of fascination. Well, for his *mouth* anyway. He's started sucking on just his thumb every now and then, too... just like Mommy did when she was little. Hopefully that won't last any longer than the binky lasted.

He got a new toy recently that has balls that bounce and spin around when you push on the top... and then I brought out one of those old-school wobbly balls that have the animals in them that chime when you rock the ball back and forth. Jacob really seems to love these, but sometimes he gets so frustrated because (I'm assuming) he can't reach inside and grab the balls or animals to shove in his mouth.

He still loves listening to stories and looking at the pictures. I hope this is one interest that he never outgrows. He's also still enthralled by ceiling fans and lights. Sometimes he giggles at them or coos in contentment.

Tummy Time progress is still slow. Some days are better than others. I've been trying to get him to use his leg muscles to practice standing up or bouncing... just in case he wants to just skip crawling and start walking instead. :P

Jake still has no definitive sleep schedule. He continues to fight naps most of the time. Some nights he'll sleep from 8:30 pm until 5 am, but other nights he'll fall asleep around 7 or 8 and then wake up at 11:30 then 2 am then 5 or 6 am. Sigh. Sometimes I'm sure he would be able to sleep straight through if he didn't have bouts of gas that woke him up! Unless gas wakes him up in "normal" morning hours (5-6 am), he's generally pretty happy. Seeing his big, toothless grin and seeing his eyes light up when I lay him on the changing table makes the sleep deprivation a little more bearable. I'm really looking forward to the summer and to getting some extra sleep during the day when Dave's up to watch him. I've been taking care of Jacob EVERY time he wakes up for the past four months now since Dave claims to not be able to feed him in the dark and/or not be able to fall back asleep afterwards. (Well, I'm sure I could count on two hands... maybe even one... the times when Dave's done the middle-of-the-night or early-morning feedings without me having to get up, too.) It was manageable for the first two months or so, but having to get up twice a night and then work a full day and then come home to "relieve" Dave from taking care of him... it's just gotten to be too much. I NEED SLEEP! One of these days, I'm just going to have to go somewhere for a sleepover so that Dave can get a glimpse into exactly how little sleep I've been getting. Aaaaaaaaaanyway...

It's so incredible watching this little guy grow day by day. I know that he'll start sleeping through the nights one of these days, and then I'll probably think that I miss the 2 am mommy-baby time. :P I guess the teething stage is next along with grabbing for things more and learning to roll over and also sit up without support. As much as I love cuddling with him, I'm really looking forward to him being able to sit and entertain himself for a little while. Eating dinner when it's still warm will be nice. :P One of these days. :)

Ten Minutes with Jake

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A glimpse into Jacob's day for the people who can't be here to watch him grow up...



Rise 'n Shine!

Early morning diaper changing time (Don't worry... no actual diaper changing happening!)...





Strength Training

Over the past few weeks, Jacob's started to develop his neck muscles and is holding his head up more and more. He's still a bit wobbly. :P





Story Time

I was actually surprised that Jaccob was so interested in this book for this long (over 5 minutes!) since it's just a simple 5-word early sign language book. He sits like this for just about every story we read if he's in a good mood. I generally sit him up on the couch for story time, but this time he was in his vibrate-y bouncy chair.





Splish, Splash!

Jacob's been doing great with his baths for several weeks now, but this was the first time he realized how much fun he could have with them. I took his hands and splashed the water with them during his last bath before this one, but he didn't really respond at all. I did the same thing this time, and he just had a ball. :)




It's so fascinating watching him grow and realizing how quickly it's happening. I'm so glad that summer's coming soon and that I'll get to spend a lot more time with him.

Enjoying the Baby Period

The soy formula has made such a drastic difference in Jacob. He's now happy, smiley, and giggly most of the time unless he's tired, wet, or hungry... and I'm starting to pick up on his cues for those times so that I'm at least prepared for the crankiness or can try to do something to hopefully prevent or delay the fussing and crying that will undoubtedly arise. Overall, though, he's doing great. This is the Jacob I had been yearning for those first two months when his system was being tormented by the dairy formulas. His smiles are so beautiful (but hard to capture on camera!), and his giggles are so cute. Even on days when he's attempting to break his record for "Nap-Fighting Champion", all he has to do is flash one smile and it's all worthwhile. Well, almost. :P

We're still working on getting him to tolerate Tummy Time more. Despite his love for Daddy, Jacob still only lifts his head well if he's facing the TV (wrestling and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse seem to be his favorites). The combination of the bright lights/colors, sounds, and action is the only thing that gets him to raise his head any considerable amount for any length of time. I'm kind of worried about this, but I'm sure it'll keep improving little by little. He stretches his legs out and tries to scoot up on our stomachs when we're doing Tummy Time, so we'll usually put our hands or legs behind his feet to give him something to push off from to show him cause and effect. We have him sit on or between our legs a lot and he's progressed to the point where he's holding his head up by himself fairly well. It's still a little wobbly, but it's a definite improvement from where he was with it this time last month.

Now that he can do that and can sit up pretty well semi-supported, he's finally ready for his swing. Sometimes he'll sit in his swing for a good twenty minutes and interact with us, but sometimes it's just not a swing-y kind of day. Two Saturdays ago, I took him and the swing outside for a while to enjoy the fresh air and sunshine. It was so beautiful out that day!

Bath time is continuing to go well, and sometimes Jake even seems as though he's starting to like it. I took this video on April 5th after his first cry-free bath. He was all smiles and giggles. Mommy did good. Haha.

Grandma Jean offered to spend some time with him at her house last Monday, and everything went well... until the last hour he was there. He started fussing, crying, and then screaming unconsolably. She looked at his gums, noted that they were white, and proposed that he was starting to teethe already. He had/has been chewing on his hands a lot recently (and our fingers, as well), but I had figured that he was just doing that as a normal part of this stage of his development. Dave and I both tried to hold and console him, but nothing was working to calm him down. He did seem very content when Dave rubbed his gums and let him suck on his finger for a while, but he cried off and on all of the way home. I gave him some homeopathic teething drops as soon as we got him out of his car seat carrier, and he fell fast asleep. I'm seriously thinking now, though, that he was likely just missing Mom and Dad and being home. The only time he hasn't been with Dave or I for any extended period is when he's gone over to Grandma's. And this was the first time that she's watched him in over month. He hasn't had any problems since then (aside from his gas), so I really think that's all it was. I guess either Grandma will have to start making a habit of hanging out with him at her house more often or else we'll just have to make sure to pick him up earlier in the evening before his "usual" bedtime.

GET THAT BLASTED BINKY OUTTA MY MOUTH, WOMAN!

The last picture of Jacob with his Binky - taken March 20, 2010

Where I was once concerned that Jacob and his Binky might be best friends for life... he now wants absolutely NOTHING to do with it. He gets fussy before he's ready to zonk out for a nap. Giving him his pacifier used to do the trick to help him soothe himself to sleep. Now if you try to put it in his mouth when he starts fussing, he gets louder and grumpier and spits it right out. :P I'm glad that I won't have to struggle with getting him to give up his Binky when he's older, but I kind of wish that it would at least be a "sometimes" thing. Currently, we're preparing the formula as needed, and the smallest amount you can make is 2 oz. at a time. Sometimes he drinks it all and still needs more to fall asleep. Other times, he drinks half of an ounce and is out cold. And then the other ounce-and-a-half gets wasted. And that stuff's expensive! Luckily I was able to get on WIC, so I get six free containers of formula each month. We're able to get by on that at the moment, but I'm sure it won't be long before we'll have to start buying one, two, or three extra containers in addition to that. Anyway, so yeah... the Binky would come in handy for this reason if he would just accept it now and then. But who wants to suck on plastic when you know you can get food instead, eh?

Spring - A Time For New Experiences and New Faces

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Spring is here, and most days couldn't be more beautiful. I wish I wasn't working and could spend ALL of my days with Jacob instead of just evenings and weekends. Summer's coming soon enough which will give me the extra time, but the weather's undoubtedly going to be horrible (hot, humid, and muggy) by that time. Sigh. Oh well. I'm just trying to make the most of the nice days that I do have with him.

I took Jake outside a few times this week after work to enjoy the fresh air for thirty minutes or so. I laid a blanket down on the grass and sat with him while he gazed at the sky and talked to the trees and the sun. He really seemed to enjoy himself until the sun started intruding on the shady spot I had picked out. Hopefully we'll have more nice days like this before the bugs start multiplying and coming out in force and before the heat kicks in.

This past Thursday, Dave and my dad went down to the base with Jacob to meet a few wrestlers (AJ Styles, Victoria Sky, and another female wrestler) who had scheduled an appearance at the BX. They got to talk to them and have pictures taken and even got their autographs for free. Jacob got to see his grandma that afternoon, too, since she works in the BX. He was having such a good day, so she took him out of his stroller to show him off to her co-workers. Apparently, he didn't care for that too much and kept fussing at them. :P There must be something about our family's voices, speech patterns/pitch, and/or facial expressions that Jacob's already aware of. He gave his grandparents and great-grandparents big smiles his first time meeting each of them, but he tends to be scared (or at least wary) of almost anyone else who's new.

My mom came over today and picked Jacob and me up to go out for coffee. That was the only original intended destination, but Jake was doing so well that we ended up going for a walk around St. Ellen Mine Park and then out to a late lunch at Aroy Thai, too. He was a little fussy off and on but mainly only when he was hungry, tired of sitting in his car seat, or simply tired of not being home. For the most part, he was content to sit or be held and look around at all of the colors and new sights. When we got back to the house, he had another drink and then zonked out in my arms. I tried to transfer him to his crib, but the first attempt only lasted about three minutes. After more formula and another fifteen minutes or so in Mommy's arms, he stayed asleep after I laid him down again.

His gas is still waking him up in the morning as well as nasal congestion. For the gas, we're trying the Mylicon drops again, but they only help momentarily. I wish there was a straight "cure" for it, but I guess there really isn't one. Hopefully this is just a temporary thing. Maybe since he's eating more again, his body is having a hard time trying to break everything down? Maybe he'll be better once his body gets used to the extra food intake? I dunno. Fingers crossed. As for the nasal congestion, we've tried running the ceiling fan at night, using a humidifier, taking him in the bathroom after it gets steamy from a hot shower, and using saline drops combined with the nasal apirator... all with no success. He can breathe alright during the day (even though he sounds a little stuffy at times), but he wakes up wheezing and struggling for breath most mornings. It's so frustrating not being able to help him especially when all of my attempts don't do much aside from irritate the crap out of him. I wouldn't care much for someone squirting drops in my nose and shoving a bulb syringe in there every day, either. :/

Three months!

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(Actually written on April 12th)
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Today is Jacob's three-month birthday. Our teeny little superguy is growing and growing! His cheeks and his little legs are finally getting pudgy, and he's recently (within the last two weeks or so) discovered that he can suck on his hands - and anything that he gets in his fists - whenever he wants.

Jacob doesn't have another check-up until he's four months old, but we're guessing that he must be over ten pounds by now. I guess I really need to get moving on pre-washing the cloth diapers so we can start using them before Jake outgrows the small size G-Diapers and prefolds that he has (8-14 lbs.). We've been using the disposables since he was born since Dave and I weren't familiar with the whole baby thing and figured disposables would be a little easier to deal with, but I think we're ready to tackle cloth diapering. Hopefully it's not as daunting of a task as it seems. It'll take a little getting used to, but it's what I intended to do all along and will save us a bit of money in the long run. Disposables are EXPENSIVE!

Anyway... Jacob's continuing to do well on the soy formula. Over the last week or so, it seems that his gas issue may be resurfacing a bit, though, so I'm thinking of trying the Mylicon drops again to see if they help. Maybe the dairy formula just affected his system too much for the drops to help him back then, but maybe they're just what he needs to get over this less severe gas. We'll see. Aside from the gas issue, he's pretty happy most of the time.

Jake loves his stories and bright colored things. He had his first trip to Trader Joe's and Whole Foods over the weekend (with me and his Grandpa Nick) and was all wide-eyed looking at all of the lights and at the different colored packaging on the shelves. He still sleeps through most car rides, but you can only expect a baby to sleep for so long before he gets hungry and needs his bottle. :P

It seems like he's starting to stay awake more during walks. Well, during daytime walks anyway. Grandma came over yesterday, and the three of us went for a walk around the neighborhood with Goliath (our last remaining dog). He hadn't napped much earlier that morning and didn't fall asleep in the stroller at all, either. It could have been that he was too uncomfortable to sleep, though, since he was dressed for the cooler at-home temperature. I changed him when we got home and Grandpa rocked him for a while in the rocking chair. He fell asleep after a little while but woke up within minutes after Grandpa laid him down in his crib. I rocked him for a bit afterward and ending up curling up with him on the couch on his lounger pillow once he fell asleep again.

Jacob still isn't a good napper, but I think he's starting to improve little by little. I've been successful in getting hour naps out of him lately... not consistently, but it usually happens at least every other day. Other times, he strives to maintain his role as Nap-fighting Champion. :P

Dave went out-of-town to work this past weekend, and Jake fell asleep around 3 in the afternoon on Saturday. He woke up screaming and crying as if he'd had a nightmare (day terror?) about an hour-and-a-half later, so I consoled him and gave him a bottle. He fell asleep again after his bottle... and didn't wake up until 1 a.m.! Like I mentioned, though, on Sunday he wouldn't nap at all until evening. I worked today, and Dave said Jacob didn't nap at all today. After I fed him this evening, I laid him down around 5:30 and he slept until I woke him up around 7:30. He probably would have slept longer if I had let him. I wanted to give him a bath, though, and get his "birthday picture" and spend a little more time with him before we passed out for the night. He enjoys his baths so much now. After his bath and a little more food, he's now out for the night.

I wanted to take him to the library tonight to pick out a few good color-contrasting baby/toddler books, but I guess that'll have to wait for the weekend. We have a TON of books for him already, but it's always cool to see what the library has available. Plus, I'm sure that Jacob would fall in love with the place. :P

Jacob Loves...

He may be too young yet to appreciate many of his toys, but there are a few things that Jacob really loves.


DADDY! - While I'm sure that he loves me, too, Jacob is just smitten with his daddy. Whenever I hold him and Dave walks in the room and says anything, Jacob's eyes get all wide and he starts looking around trying to find him. When they get face-to-face... smiles abound. Today he got a little fussy for a minute, so I walked around the house with him saying, "Let's go find Daddy. Where is he? Daaaaddy... Daaaaaaaddy... Daddy?" Jacob became quiet and still and broke out into a big smile when we found him. They spend the majority of the day together now that I'm back to work, so I guess it makes sense. I just hope that he starts reacting to me like this once summer comes and I'm home with him more often.

His chickie - The little yellow chickie that I wrote about a few entries ago (the one I bought for him at Hallmark) makes a cute chirping noise that brings a smile to his face whenever he hears it for the first time (or first few times) in a certain time period. He doesn't really grab for the chickie yet, but he loves the sound effect.

Lights and shiny things - In any room we go into, Jacob almost immediately looks up at the lights or out the window to the sunshine. Even when he's sitting in my lap in the rocking chair without the light on, Jake looks up and stares... I suppose at the glass globes around the lightbulbs or the brass on the ceiling fan and blades. Unfortunately, this category also includes the television. The constantly changing colors are a big source of amusement and contentment. My little baby is already a couch potato. :P He does his best at Tummy Time when I lay on the couch so that his head faces the TV. I suppose the fascination will go away once he starts to understand speech and realizes that CNN news really isn't all that interesting.

Music - Jacob's Uncle Derek recorded a bunch of Rockabye Baby albums onto CDs for a Christmas present. These albums have songs from different bands/artists that they've taken the words out of and turned into lullabye tunes. I think we have the CDs from just about every band/artist whose music they "lullabye"-ified - The Beatles, Bob Marley, Green Day, Beach Boys, Metallica, Nine Inch Nails, The Ramones, Bjork, and a bunch of others that I can't think of at the moment. Anyway... ever since his first days, Jacob has loved listening to those CDs as well as most music in general. These CDs (along with being snuggled in his sling carrier) helped me get him to sleep for a nap many, many times in his first two months of life.

Being read to and looking at picture books - Jacob loves looking at the colors and pictures in storybooks. Lately, I've been propping him up in the corner of the couch with a pillow next to him for a little extra support/safety and putting the book right in front of him. He stares intently and really seems to love hearing the storyline.

People and faces in general - So far, Jacob's given a huge smile to just about everyone he's met who's spent more than three minutes with him. Every now and then, I'll hold him on my lap facing the computer and look through various peoples' facebook photos. He sits contentedly as I go through them and smiles at the brighter, cheerier faces... gets a bigger smile for babies... and starts moving his little arms and legs (and sometimes making noises) at pictures of people who he knows. It's so cute! :)

Time, Time Tickin' Away

Last Friday, Jacob turned two months old. Every day I find myself amazed that just three months ago I was still suffering from morning sickness and heartburn and had this little life inside my stomach. And every day I find it impossible to believe that this tiny little guy is going to grow into a teenager before I know it. I went to a thrift store today and realized that I will never be looking for newborn or 0-3 month sized clothes again. We're on to the next size up and will just keep growing and growing. I can't wait for Jakey to hit certain milestones, but (like most moms) I'm not ready to lose the "baby" in my baby. It's all bittersweet.

Sigh.

So...

The soy formula seems to be working wonderfully! Jacob almost seems like a different baby these past few days. He's so much happier and much more playful - smiling, laughing, and making cute little noises and expressions throughout the day. He's so much more content and relaxed. No more screaming and turning beet red just to pass gas off and on all day and all night. I feel so bad that he had to suffer through so many weeks of pain before we figured this out and made the switch. He could have been a happy baby from Week One if I had just stuck with my gut instinct and done a little more research on baby formulas. Anyway... there's no point in stressing about that now, right? Hopefully we've found the "cure" and Jacob will continue to blossom and show us his true self in the weeks and months to come.

He's still not sleeping much longer during the night - maybe four-and-a-half or five hours tops. I'm hoping that'll change once his system becomes accustomed to the soy formula. His pediatrician gave us a ratio to safely combine his formula to get more calories per serving, so maybe giving him a feeding of one of these servings at his last evening/late night feedings will help him sleep more. Although, that doesn't seem to be the case during the day as far as the higher-calorie servings allowing him to take longer naps. Hmpf. All we can do is wait it out and hope that he starts drinking more soon. He's finally up to drinking a little over three ounces at some feedings, but most babies his age are already drinking five or six (or more!) ounces at a time!

After my mom's success with bathing Jacob in his tub without the sling/hammock attachment, I tried it here a few days later... and we had a happy bath, too! All he wanted/needed was to be more submerged in the water. The sling attachment - which I had originally thought would be a great way to ease him into the idea of baths - was actually the cause of his discontent. Oy. So Bath Time is now a happy time... until it's time to wash his hair and then get out of the water!

This past Saturday (the 13th), Jacob went on his first road trip. We headed down to Carbondale to visit with some of our friends who we haven't seen since before Jake was born. As usual, he slept most of the way down there and then was so overstimulated that he slept (or fussed and tried to sleep) through most of the visit. I really wasn't expecting to see so many people myself, but everyone ended up over at Pops' apartment throughout the afternoon and evening. There must have been about sixteen kids and adults including Pops.

Over the past few days, Jake's discovered his hands. He's been sucking on his fingers or his knuckles - sometimes when he's content and other times as a way of consoling himself. He's also been taking hold of one of my fingers and leading it into his mouth to suck on when we're playing or just hanging out "talking" on the couch. It's so cute.

His baby acne has come back a little, but it's not too bad. It's much less prominent than it was before. Hopefully it'll go away over the next few weeks.

That's about all I can think of for now as far as his health, progress, and recent excitement. Jacob gets to meet his second of three grandpas next month. My dad will be moving up here for his six-month summer stay, so they'll get to spend a lot of time together. I'm really hoping that either we'll be able to fly out and visit his grandparents and aunt on the east coast one of these years soon or that they'll be able to come out to visit us. I want him to meet as many of his family members as possible... and I want to meet them, too!

My Teeny Little Superguy

Jacob had his two-month appointment today with his pediatrician. He's now up to 8 pounds, 10 ounces and is 21 1/2 inches long (I think). He's growing, but he's following his own curve and is still not quite "on the charts". I keep hoping that one of these days he'll hit a growth spurt and start eating like crazy, but I don't think that's going to happen. He'll just be my teeny little superguy. Dave and I were both about the same weight when we were born as Jacob was when he was born, so he probably just has our "small genes". I don't think anyone in Dave's family is/was very tall, and I still swear that I was adopted since everyone else in my family are giants compared to me. Anyway... he got two shots today (one on each leg - see bandages in the picture poking out beneath his onesie) and one immunization in liquid form. He cried a bit after each shot, but he handled it much better than last time.

We've switched over to soy formula 100% now. Today was the first day Jacob's bottles were full soy and no dairy, so hopefully the magic will start and his gas issues will resolve themselves for good over the next week or so. Maybe since I'm vegan and hence didn't have any dairy during my pregnancy, Jacob's system simply can't tolerate dairy well since he never had any in utero. That's my guess. I would have started him on soy formula from the beginning, but I swear I had read that ALL baby formulas had milk/whey in them. Oh well. Now I know. If this doesn't work, I don't know what else to do. Jake's pediatrician didn't seem to have any other answers, either, aside from what we've already tried (the gas drops, gripe water, and the previous type of formula).

I have a few more update-y things to mention, but I'll have to save those for tomorrow or the next day. Jacob finished his bottle and has been sitting up (propped up asleep) long enough to lay back down. Time to get back to bed for a couple more hours.

More Update-y Stuff

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Jake's baby acne is starting to clear up pretty well. Hopefully it'll stay away. His pediatrician said that it can last up until around the twelfth week and that sometimes it can go away and then pop up again just days later. Maybe we'll be lucky.

I discovered a "trick" that's helping us get through diaper changes and sponge baths with a lot less crying and screaming. Jacob hates laying down flat, so I put a folded towel under the top of his changing pad and bath pad to prop him up a little. This has really helped tremendously. We can generally get through about 75% of all diaper changes now without the noise. Hopefully this isn't just a temporary thing. I'm thinking that maybe we need to do something similar with his mattress or the bassinet itself to see if that would help him sleep longer in there instead of him only getting good sleep in the Boppy Lounger Pillow. Which has a warning tag that clearly states that you should not allow your child to sleep in it. :P

Grandma picked him up today and took care of him for a few hours. She gave him a bath and said that it went great this time just sitting him in the water instead of laying him in the sling/hammock thing that came with the tub. So, maybe we won't need to think about the washPOD afterall.

Oh! A few days ago, Jacob laughed in his sleep (in my arms) for about three or four seconds! It was SO frickin' cute!!! I can't wait until he's able to get over his gas pains and show us his true self... to be able to smile more often and to burst out in baby giggles throughout the day. Sigh.

Days with Dad, Nights with Mom

This past week marked my return to work following two months off for bed rest and then giving birth to Jacob. It was so sad leaving him the first morning (and each morning thereafter), but it was reassuring to know that it was Dad taking care of him and not a complete stranger. Dave claimed that he couldn't sleep at all the first night, so his first day as Mr. Mom was a little rough. Until then, I had been taking care of Jakey for the bulk of the day, so I don't think Dave really realized exactly what was in store for him and how draining it would be by himself. I think each day's been getting a little better, but I know Dave definitely appreciates the weekends now more than ever.

I get off work at 3:30 and am home by 4pm, but there's really not time in the evening for any quality family bonding time. Dave and I try to make a quick dinner and eat together before he goes to pass out for a few hours. He's generally up with the little guy for his 3:30am feeding so that I can get some decent sleep to be semi-refreshed for work, so he sleeps from about 6 or 7 until midnight or shortly after.

During that time, I feed Jacob and sit with him for about thirty minutes or so to make sure his "food" stays down. IF he falls asleep (which usually only lasts for about twenty minutes if I'm not holding him or laying with him on the couch), I can run around, start a load of laundry, wash the dishes real quick, check on the dog's and cats' food and water, and maybe go to the bathroom. If he doesn't fall asleep, then it's a long evening of holding him and consoling him through his gas pains and fussiness. Holding, rocking, swaying, talking in a soothing tone, feeding him a little more, or constantly offering him his pacifier to try to get his mind off of the pain.

The poor little guy turns beet red on occasion and thrashes around in my arms until he passes gas or until the pain subsides. Sometimes it's so intense that he dozes off for a few minutes afterwards. Gas drops and "gripe water" don't seem to do anything for him after the first minute or two. We recently switched formulas to one that's supposed to be good for preventing/relieving/easing gas and fussiness. His pediatrician said that if it didn't seem to be helping after a week to give her a call, so we'll probably be trying something new soon since we're almost through a second week.

Anyway, during calm moments, I read him stories, try to play with him on his lounger pillow or in his new vibrating bouncy chair, listen to music and dance with him, sing silly made-up songs, or attempt some Tummy Time. This week, I ended up passing out with him on the couch - him cuddled up in a blanket on his Boppy lounger pillow and me next to him with my arm around him - after his 8 o'clock-ish feeding.

I'm trying to start a little bedtime routine with him this weekend to give us a little more structure, predictability, and mommy-baby bonding time at night. I gave him a sponge bath last night and then read him a few stories after consoling him from the tortures of said bath. He was out like a light within about ten minutes (due to wearing himself out from crying about the bath). Tonight I'm planning on bathing him in his baby bathtub. He hates that so much right now, but I'm hoping that he'll start warming up to it with more and more exposure. It's definitely not the most comfortable thing, and I can imagine it would be pretty chilly having half of your body above the water. Hmmmmm. I keep the bathroom nice and warm and try to constantly pour some of the bathwater over his tummy, but it hasn't made a difference so far. A few people on this baby-community website that I frequent have mentioned having great bathtimes with a "wash POD", but I'm not sure it'd be worth it just for the few months before he outgrows it. Then again, if Bed Bath & Beyond have it in their store, I may go pick one up today. :P If he doesn't like it, we can always take it back. Or can I? Can you return used bathtubs?! And if he DOES like it, then spending $25 for calm baths for three months or so is a worthwhile investment for both my sanity and for Jakey's happiness. (I just called the store and they don't carry any of the baby stuff. So, with shipping it would cost $28 to buy it online. Everything is returnable, but they only refund the cost of the item itself plus tax. Hmmmm, again.)

He's starting to eat a tiny bit more at most of his feedings which means that he's finally starting to sleep a little more at night. This past week, I've been passing out with him on the couch around 9 or 10pm, and he's been sleeping until about 2:30 or later. We get up for a feeding - which takes about an hour (20 minutes or so for him to eat and then 30-40 minutes to sit up with him) - and then pass back out until somewhere around 6:30. It's so nice getting the little extra sleep even if it IS interrupted.

At Jacob's last appointment with his pediatrician, he only weighed one pound over his birth weight. So, he's at 7lbs., 7oz. now and is 20 3/4 inches long. His eating wasn't so good prior to that appointment, though, and he was spitting up quite a bit. So, hopefully he's been gaining weight better since then. He's just barely "on the charts" as far as his weight and height for his age, but he IS on the charts. His pediatrician said she wasn't too concerned right now as long as he started eating a little more and continued to gain some weight. She said that he had lots of time to play "catch up" with other kids his age. He got his first shot that day. He would have received it at the hospital when he was born, but I figured he had been through enough trauma with being born and then having the circumcision on which his dad had insisted. I held him for his shot just like I did for his blood draws for his bilirubin level checks, but this one hurt a lot. He cried and wailed for several minutes afterwards and then passed out in the car on the way home. I think he gets the second dose at that appointment. Poor little guy.

This weekend was beautiful, so we all spent a little time outside between chores and running errands. Saturday, I walked up to the shopping plaza with Jake and went to the Hallmark store. We found the Easter toys and he really perked up when I showed him a fuzzy yellow chickie that cheeped when you squeeze his tummy. He opened his eyes wide and flashed a beautiful smile... so of course I had to buy it for him. We walked around the store for a while looking at things and talking about them and also listening to the sample snippets of the CD's they have for sale. He still looooves music.

Today, Dave and I drove him up to Rock Springs Park and took him for a walk in his stroller. He was awake for the first five minutes or so and then passed out as usual. The weather was gorgeous - in the high-60's - right up until we were about to leave. The clouds in the distance were pretty dark and dreary and the tornado sirens were sounding. We got home just in time before the ten or fifteen minute downpour... never heard anything about a tornado.

Time flies with a baby. There's just never enough to do what you want to do. It's already 7:30 on Sunday night, and we're trying to figure out how to make dinner and get a few other things done so that Dave can get a nap in before starting his "midnight shift" with Jacob. Nevertheless, we just have make due.

Forgotten Mentionables

I was getting ready for bed last night and a few other things popped in my head that I forgot to mention in my last entry. So, here's what I can remember for now.

The pacifier has lost it's job as Diaper Changing Soother. These days, he just screams and spits it out. Absolutely nothing works consistently to calm him down while we're changing him anymore. Sometimes I can get a quiet change done if I do a "sneak attack" and get him while he's still sound asleep. I just have to do it very quietly and handle him extra gently. Sometimes if he's super stinky and messy, he'll gladly lay quietly and let us clean him up. Sometimes. :P And sometimes running the faucet helps. He loves listening to the sound of running water, but that's super-wasteful and adds to the bills. Hopefully once he grows up a little, he'll be more content and easily distracted with songs, funny faces and noises, or a toy or something. As much as I love him, I could really do without all of the excessive screaming and crying.

Every few days it seems like he's doing something new. Lately he's been reaching out for his bottle to get us to put it back in his mouth after we take it out to have him swallow and take a breath. I've been guiding his hand to the nipple part and having him help me put it back in. He's been reaching out for his Binky (pacifier), too, when it starts slipping. It's so cute to see. He's finally starting to have times when he's happy about interacting and "playing". I blew him a "raspberry" the other night and he gasped, opened his eyes wide, and threw his hands up in the air! It was hilarious. Dave did it again the next day, and I recorded some of that. Too cute.

This morning, I propped him up inside my Leachco nursing pillow with a blanket behind it for extra support and played with him "sitting up" for a little while on the couch. He was all wide-eyed and alert looking around and occasionally "cooing". He slid over and down a few times, but he did pretty good for about half an hour. After that long (and then having been awake since 6:45am), he got a little fussy... so on went the Rockabye Baby cd's. He really loves music and generally falls asleep within ten or fifteen minutes after I put one in... IF I'm holding him in my arms and don't lay him down. So, I brought out the sling carrier one of my co-workers bought for me and he was out cold in about five minutes. He loves being all cozy and snug in there, but I worry about it scrunching up his little head and neck, so I still have to use one hand to support that part of the sling. This lets me at least be hands-free at the computer as he can lay in it on my lap, but I really don't have any more freedom walking around with him around the house than I would just carrying him in my arm (since I have to support his head). Oh well.

We took him out on his first non-medical outing this week. Some of my co-workers gave us a gift card for Gymboree (a baby/toddler clothing store), so we took him there and picked out a cute little pirate ship onesie sized for the fall. I was hoping to find another nice soft blanket to swaddle him in, but they apparently only sell cotton blankets that seem more for floor playtime. He was in his sling carrier, so he slept pretty much the entire time. It was nice getting out of the house with him and finding out that he does okay with it.

The baby acne's still sticking around. I'm not sure how long it takes to clear up, but I hope it goes away soon. I have some coupons that I want to use soon to take him in for professional pictures, but I don't want his pimples to be so prominent when we go.

He has his next doctor's appointment next Wednesday. I'm worried that he's not eating enough and not gaining as much weight as he should be, but I guess we'll see. I've read that most babies his age are eating 3-4oz. at a time, and at most feedings he can barely get two ounces down before he either starts falling asleep or spitting it all back up from being too full! Maybe once his gas and constipation issues are resolved, he'll start eating more. Fingers crossed.

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I just read through the last few entries and noticed a few things that I haven't updated on, so I guess I'll start there.

Sadly, breastfeeding came to a screeching halt about two weeks ago. I accidentally skipped a day of having Jacob "try" for a few minutes before any of his feedings and the next day he was absolutely horrible with screaming, crying, and pushing away from me. So, for now I'm hanging on to the double-electric breast pump that I rented from Walgreens and pumping as much as I can. Which isn't often seeing as the majority of my day is spent holding him, feeding him, changing him, and playing with him. When Dave and I do get free time, we have to use that time to rush around preparing bottles, washing/drying/folding baby clothes, and fixing ourselves something to shovel down our throats before the baby wakes up again. Anyway... so I pump when I can in an attempt to get some of the benefits of breast milk in his little system. Since I'm not able to pump very often, there's really not much milk left... but at least there's a little.

We're still doing the dark corn syrup thing in his bottles to try to help with the constipation. The poor kiddo struggles with this so much. I feel so bad for him, but there's not much else we can do right now. I guess formula causes a lot of babies issues with constipation and gas, so it's somewhat reassuring to know that at least Jakey's not the only one. He has major issues with gas, too, so I did some "research" and found a formula that's supposed to be good for combating gas and fussiness. The poor guy must spend almost half of his waking hours fussing, screaming, and squirming along with his gas. I started him on that yesterday with a 75/25% ratio with his current formula. It was suggested to ease babies onto new formulas by giving them 25% of the new formula for two days, 50% for the next two days, and finally 75% for the final two days. So, by Tuesday of next week he'll be on the new formula exclusively. I really hope that it works. My little guy could really do with having less discomfort in his life. I read somewhere that it can take up to three months for a baby's system to get used to formula and trying to break it down. Knowing that makes me feel even worse that breastfeeding didn't work out for us.

Hopefully this new formula will live up to its claims and Jacob can spend more time being happy instead of being upset and tormented by his gas. When he's NOT being harassed by gas, he's so fun and cute. We've been putting him on his Boppy Newborn Lounger pillow for playtime and spend the time singing and talking to him, making faces and silly noises at him, and letting him feel different textures and look at different toys. I try to do a few minutes of "tummy time" each day to help strengthen his neck muscles, too. I read that babies aren't really able to hold their heads up independently until about four months! I really need to look into finding some kind of baby seat/rocker thing so that we can put him down semi-inclined for a few minutes at a time to allow us to do a few things here or there without having to hold him constantly or worry about him possibly rolling off of his pillow. He still hates laying down if he's not sleeping, so we don't get much hands-free time yet and are constantly doing the baby trade-off so that the other person can grab a bite to eat or use the bathroom or whatever.

The days fly by and are all melding into one. It's all about BABY, and we generally have no idea where the time goes! Before we know it, it's eight o'clock in the evening and we haven't even had dinner yet. We need to try to figure out some kind of schedule and start it next week since I'll be going back to work the week after that. I'm sure we'll probably end up just "winging it", though, and making adjustments along the way. I'm still not completely comfortable with having to be the one to work full time, but at least Dave is here and we don't have to think about leaving our baby with a complete stranger... and paying that stranger to raise our kid... for eight hours each day.

Four Weeks and a Day

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Yesterday marked four weeks of life for little Jacob. He has been staying awake just about ALL DAY LONG unless he's held continuously. He only falls asleep right now if someone's holding him, so we used to hold him until he fell asleep and then put him in his bassinet. But yesterday and Monday, he woke up within five to fifteen minutes each time after laying him down! He was up all day long except for maybe an hour-and-a-half or two of combined naps! It wouldn't be so bad if he actually slept more at night. Today, I put him in his sling/carrier, and he's been sleeping on my lap for hours. :P It's nice in that I can finally have some time on the computer, but I really can't do anything else with him in there (aside from things that involve being seated) because I worry about his neck being too scrunched up if I don't support it somehow. Bah. Oh well. Dave was up with him early this morning, so he's taking a nap himself. Once he wakes up, then I guess I can have some time to do other stuff.

Jakey developed baby acne a few days after his third week, and it's still sticking around. I guess it's typical and should go away soon. For now, I've been washing his face daily and resisting the urge to help the pimples along. :P Poor little guy.

He seemed to be constipated last week, so I called the pediatrician and the nurse recommended giving a small amount of dark Karo syrup along with his formula several times each day. It seems to be working so far. I was worried that it might not be good to keep that up for too long and called the office again to ask. The nurse said to keep it up for a few weeks, though, so I suppose it should be alright.

He's such a cutie. I love watching his movements, watching him sleep, hearing his little noises, discovering his likes and dislikes, and introducing him to new things. Money's getting tight, though, and I have to go back to work soon. I can't imagine leaving him for seven to eight hours every day. I want to be the one to stay home and take care of him. Dave's fully capable of making sure he's fed and changed... but I just want to be the one to be there. I can already sense my jealousy and resentment building up of having to be the one to bring in the paycheck instead of being home so that my baby can have his mommy. Hopefully Dave'll step it up with eBay and bring in enough money to start saving towards getting us out of here.

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Unrelated to Jacob... we finally gave in to reality and took our oldest dog, Buddha, in to be put to sleep last night. His health had been deteriorating for several months. He'd lost so much weight and was practically nothing but skin and bones covered with fur. He was starting to lose his eyesight and had already been deaf for a while. He couldn't stand up on his own 75% of the time and would fall down in the yard just about every other time he went outside. There's not enough room in the car for the baby seat and a dog, too, so Dave took him in by himself while I stayed home with Jacob. They made a clay impression of his paw, so we have that to keep next to the one I made for Karma two years ago. We should be getting his ashes back in two to three weeks and will put those next to Karma's and Cleo's. Hopefully we can get some nice little pet urns or something once we get some more money. I hate just leaving the ashes inside the cardboard boxes the vet gives you. It's so hard "playing God" with those you love, but I'm glad we're able to help release our animals from their pain and suffering. If only it was as easy to help our human family in situations like this.

When Jacob Smiles...

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Yesterday Jacob turned three weeks old... and he smiled at me for the very first time! Not just in his sleep but right at me for a full five seconds or more. It was so beautiful and heartwarming; it brought tears to my eyes. :) He's starting to move his arms and legs around a little more and just started making little noises, too, aside from crying and screaming. I can't wait until he starts babbling and until he's able to hold his head up by himself so we can try out his baby swing. I'm definitely not ready for the crawling stage yet, but I'm really enjoying watching him grow up before my eyes.

Can you hear me now? - and - Cadillac Stroller/Carseat

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When Jacob was just a day old, the nurses did a hearing test on him in the nursery (as they do with all babies). They told us that he didn't pass the test and was getting a referral for a follow-up hearing evaluation by the audiology department to be completed within the month. Apparently it's common for babies to fail the test, though, as they could still have stuff in their ears from the womb or be distracted by other noises in the nursery. Later that day, Dave opened a soda can and the "pssssssssht!" startled Jacob as he lay in my arms. Even mild coughs got his attention, so I figured there probably wasn't anything to worry about. We took him in for his evaluation today, and he passed just fine. Just another thing for the hospital to do to bring in the money.

My grandparents and Dave's birth parents sent Jakey some money for things he might need, so I went out and found a nice stroller-carrier-car seat combo. We already had a really nice car seat that my mom had bought us, but we realized how much easier it would be to have a portable carrier for him after carrying him around in our arms to all of his doctor's appointments within the first week or two. It snaps into a base in the car and unsnaps and lifts out easily to carry him around everywhere. Then the stroller has a bar that goes across the middle inside that the carrier fits onto, so you can either use it like a regular stroller or have the carrier sitting on top. Very nice and convenient. I can't wait until the weather warms up so we can all start taking walks together - us, the little guy, and the "pup". :)

As the days go by...

Today Jacob got to meet a couple more members of his family. Until now, he'd only met his parents, his grandma, and a few friends. His Uncle Derek and Grandpa Pops came up today (along with Derek's girlfriend, Allison) and spent some time looking at him and holding him. It was so nice to see them both up here becoming part of his life. Allison brought her crochet supplies and whipped him up an adorable little soft, brown teddy bear hat in a matter of an hour or two. She had already made one and brought it up, but - having never seen Jakey - it was a bit too big. So, now he'll have one for this winter and one for next fall and winter, too!

He had a check-up on Friday and has gained an average amount of weight since his first appointment a little over a week ago. He's back up to his birth weight of 6lbs. 6oz. and has grown an inch already!

We're stumbling through parenting learning as we go. We've encountered diaper rash and just had a recent worry about him possibly being contipated and not knowing what to do about it. :P (Everything's fine now - we think.) I'm trying to stay persistent with working on the breastfeeding issue I mentioned in my last post. I have him "try" for five minutes or so before each bottle, and he's starting to improve a little. He's actually sucking several times before he starts showing signs of frustration and disgust whereas before he would suck maybe once or twice and then scream/cry and push himself away from me. So, fingers crossed that this keeps improving. Besides the fact that breast milk is the most nutritious option for a baby, formula's frickin' expensive! Plus we generally end up wasting some of it each time he eats because he's never consistent with eating the same amount at each feeding. :/

Sleep is a rare commodity, but I think we're finally starting to get used to sleeping when he sleeps... or else we're just starting to get used to LACK of sleep. :P He seems to have a little schedule of own going already. He's been having a last feeding around midnight and then waking up around 4am and again around 7 or 8am. We usually prepare a batch of formula at night and then I'll try breastfeeding for a few minutes in the morning while the bottle heats up.

Jacob delights us every day. He's so adorable and has the most beautiful, hilarious, and endearing expressions... and he definitely lets us know when he's not happy! He hates being laid down unless he's sound asleep and will crack his little eyes open at random apparently to peek at us to make sure we're still holding him and not trying to lay him down in his bassinet before he's ready. His other hatred is having his diaper changed. You'd think we were abusing him from the way he cries and wails when we're trying to clean him up! I'd held out letting him have a pacifier all of this time, but I relented today and let him suck on one during a change. Talk about a 100% difference! Dave used it when he changed him later on and loved how smoothly the task went. The last time I changed him, I did it without the pacifier and he was pretty quiet. I'm sure that could have been because he was half-asleep, though. :P Oh, I almost forgot... he hates having to take a break from feedings to burp, too. I'm not quite sure WHAT to do about that yet. If he doesn't burp, he spits up a lot of his food. I'm sure that's not good for his tummy, and it's definitely not good as far as the money that we spend on the formula.

Anyway...

We're both so in love with him. How can anyone NOT be? :P I'm really not looking forward to going back to work, but I don't see any way around it at the moment. I guess "you gotta do what you gotta do", right?

Welcome to the world, Jacob Matthew!

The day after I wrote my last blog was my last doctor's appointment. At my appointment, the ultrasound tech noted my fluid levels had dropped dramatically again and told us that the doctor would probably want to induce me by the end of the week. After 40 long weeks and tons and tons of "morning sickness", I was VERY glad to hear this. We figured we had a few more days to get some more stuff done around the house before it was time... but that was just wishful thinking. After the ultrasound, we waited for the doctor. She walked in and asked, "So, are you guys ready to have a baby?" She told us to get over to the hospital as soon as we were ready; they would induce me that night. We weren't expecting that in the least. Nervousness and excitement set in, and we drove home calling or texting everyone we could.

My mom met us at the house and drove with us to the hospital. I was induced at 6pm (on January 11th) and was told that they would give me Pitocin at 6 o'clock the next morning to get the contractions going or to help them move along. Dave left shortly afterwards to come home and let the dogs out and to pick up a few things we had left behind. My contractions kicked in around 8:30 or 9. Dave returned around that time, and my mom left for the night. I dealt with the pain of the contractions for about two hours as they intensified more and more. After that long, I couldn't take it anymore and asked for the Stadol. Once the nurse injected that into my IV, I was in heaven and felt nothing... for about an hour. I guess my heart rate and the baby's heart rate dropped during that time, so they couldn't give me any more until things normalized. They finally came back to check about an hour and a half later, but by that time (around 3am)... it was time to start pushing. I squeezed Dave's hand to death to help get through the pain of each contraction until the doctor had me hold onto my legs instead. :P After about an hour of pain and pushing and labored breathing, Jacob Matthew made his entrance into the world.

He was born on January 12th at 4:20am, weighed 6lbs 6oz, and was 19 inches long. Blue eyes, blond/light brown hair. Dave was there through everything and said it was "the most horrifying but the most beautiful thing" he's ever experienced. :P He says he now has a much deeper respect for women (mothers) than he ever did before.

We signed out of the hospital the following day and have been enjoying every minute with our teeny little guy. I had to go out the other day and buy some Preemie-sized outfits because he's just swimming in the Newborn and 0-3month sized clothes that we have. He's SO little! But the pants for the preemie outfits are a little too snug! There's just not a perfect size for 6lb. babies. :/

We had some issues with breastfeeding, and I had to give him formula for a day or two. :( I really hated doing that, but the poor little guy needed nutrition SOMEhow. After seeing how easy it was to get milk from a bottle, though, Jacob hasn't wanted anything to do with breastfeeding. I mean, I guess why "work" for food (use your strength and muscles to suck) when you have access to something that will almost just pour it down your throat with just the tiniest sip? :( I'm pumping as often as I can and supplementing with formula. I'm still trying to get him to breastfeed for a while before giving him his bottle, but it doesn't seem to be working. Hopefully I can get some help from a lactation consultant, but I'm not feeling too confident that he'll get back into the swing of things.

He ended up becoming jaundiced a few days after coming home due to not eating often enough and not eating enough at each feeding. He had to have his bilirubin levels checked three times already (they draw blood from his heels) by his tenth day of life. The levels have finally dropped to a decent level, but they're still not perfect as he's still not eating much compared to how much babies are *supposed* to eat. Hopefully we'll get there soon, though.

He's such a cutie... Dave and I are both so in love with him. It's amazing to think back on my pregnancy and realize that he's HERE now... and to think about what lies ahead over the next twenty years. :P

Today's the Day... But Nothing's Going On

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So today's the day that my little guy was estimated to be here by, but he's still pretty high up. I was scheduled for another ultrasound and check-up on Thursday, but we decided to postpone it due to the snow that came the night before. So, I have it rescheduled for tomorrow afternoon but don't have my hopes up for any better news.

I guess as long as he's healthy, I should be satisfied. I know the doctor'll schedule an induction before the baby's too overdue, but I'm just so tired of waiting and feeling crappy. I'm tired of not being able to eat or drink what I want for fear of the impending heartburn and/or vomitting. I'm tired of feeling congested every morning and not being able to breathe easily. I'm tired of staying around the house for fear that the little guy might decide to come if I stray too far away. I'm tired of missing work and am frustrated knowing that (without any paid maternity leave) my other accumulated paid leave - sick leave, personal leave, etc. - will be gone within three more weeks or so thanks to the two weeks of bedrest that I had to take for my low fluid levels.

Sigh.

I just want this little one to be here already.

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Counting Down the Days

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It's January 1st... and the little guy is still comfy inside my belly. No New Year's Baby or 2009 tax break for us. :P He hasn't dropped yet and probably won't come until close to his estimated due date of January 10th.

I've had two more appointments since my last entry on here. At my last appointment, the doctor checked my cervix and... OUCH! That frickin' HURT! I knew that they did a finger measurement, but I had no idea that he was going to use so much pressure. I swear it felt like he was trying to dig the baby out himself! He didn't give me any kind of a warning that it might hurt or even that there would be pressure until I was already crying out in pain! No efforts to tell me to try to relax and breathe or anything. Hmpf. Nor did he warn me that I might spot a little bit (or for the remainder of the night!) afterwards. I had to do my own "research" on the internet to find out whether or not the whole thing was even remotely normal. Sigh. Well, at least that's over for this week. I'm assuming that they'll be doing that again each time until the baby comes. Hopefully the baby will start dropping and my cervix will soften up so that the check isn't so painful next week! And hopefully the baby arrives on time and not PAST his due date. (Or at least not TOO far past it.)

Aside from that, everything's going alright. I'm STILL getting sick periodically and experiencing heartburn like crazy, but (surprisingly) my fluid levels are up. My blood pressure's normal as is baby's heartbeat, and he's moving around good and doing his "practice breathing". He still doesn't want to show us his face and keeps hiding it with his hands whenever the ultrasound woman tries to get a picture for us. He's been stubborn (shy?) all along, though, so it's really no surprise. It'd just be nice to see a good, clear picture of his face. I guess we'll just have to wait until he's born to truly see him.

I'm starting to get nervous about going into labor. I've read and heard a lot of birth stories, but I know there's really no way to truly be prepared for the intensity of it all. I've always had a pretty high tolerance for pain and am determined to give birth naturally (no epidural or drugs), but I also know that childbirth is a completely different kind of pain than anything I've ever experienced. Everyone says that once your little one is here, you start forgetting all about the pain and just focus on the new life in front of you. I'm sure that's true, but knowing that still doesn't make the pain go away while it's happening! At least I'll have Dave there with me and have my mom around for support, too. I can't imagine going through this alone.

I want my little sunshine here already, but then I'm so nervous about lies ahead. The first few days... the first weeks... the first months... the first year. I have no idea what's going to happen as far as going back to work, Dave finding a job, staying in O'Fallon or moving down to Carbondale, my dad coming back to live in March or April. There's always uncertainty in Life, and there's always increased uncertainty when a new life is on the way... but it seems so much worse with the situation Dave and I are in right now.

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