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On August 14th, Dave and I went to my second ultrasound appointment. This one was the possible gender-determining one... and I was a bit nervous. Ever since high school, I've always wanted a little girl if I ever had kids. My mother and I share such a wonderful bond, and I've always hoped to continue this with my own little girl. I always imagined the Four-Generations-of-Women pictures with Grandma, my mom, me, and my little girl... of having those heart-felt mother-daughter talks... of listening to her thoughts and expressions as she played with her girl friends... of being there for her when the first boy broke her heart. I almost wanted the baby's gender to be a secret until the baby was born so that I wouldn't feel depressed or despondent if it was a boy. But then I figured it would probably be best to find out so that I could mentally prepare myself for a boy if that's what the little one ended up being. Maybe that sounds terrible. A lot of women claim that they don't care what gender their baby is "as long as it's healthy", but that wasn't the case for me. There's just something about little girls (in my mind).
Anyway... so we found out the baby's gender, and I'm feeling like a horrible mommy right now. I've always wanted a little girl, but I'm having a boy. I know it's always only a 50-50 chance, but a tear streaked down my face when the doctor announced that. I came home and cried for a good half hour and still think about how different things will be from what I had hoped. Dave kind of wanted a girl, but he's just super-excited to finally know the gender and is ready to go out and start buying stuff. He tried to be understanding and consoling and to get me to think positive (or the baby's going to "know" and "feel (my) emotions"), but I just can't help it. I know I'm going to love our little monster as soon as I see him, but it's just a little hard right now. We waited so long to have children (we've been together for over 15 years) that I'm pretty sure that this will be our only child. And i'm not sure if i'd even WANT to try again for "fear" of having yet another boy. Not to mention the horrid morning sickness or our financial situation. Sigh.
I feel I have no clue how to be a "boy mommy". It seems having a girl would be easier just since I've been one. Does that sound silly? Honestly, I don't think it does. I've always hated the stereotypes that boys are "rough-and-tumble" and less prone to thoughtfulness while girls are gentle, kind, and innately compassionate. I know that either sex can grow up to acquire and posses an infinite mix of traits... but I don't know. From what I've experienced in life and seen at the school where I work, the stereotypes are true (for the most part).
I've talked to a few moms in person and online - several who felt this way themselves with the birth of their firstborn -, and everyone says that "you'll love him the minute you see him". Almost all of them agreed, though, that it's alright to feel this way... to grieve for "the dream of your little girl" essentially dying - especially if you're fairly certain that you will only have one child in your lifetime. It's been a week since the appointment and I'm starting to come to terms with having a little guy instead. I have a feeling, though, that I'll always be wondering "what if" and feeling that longing whenever I see a girl his age.
Aside from all of that...
The doctor noted that I have Placenta Previa - a condition where your placenta blocks your uterus. I don't recall what position it was in (fully covering the uterus - "complete" - or just to the side - "partial"), though. I want to call soon and find out. I guess it's a fairly common finding and that, for most women, it generally moves out of the way by the time the baby's due. But I've also read that if it's fully covering, it usually stays there and the baby has to be delivered by c-section. I'm really scared/nervous about this as I really DON'T want to have a c-section. I guess if it doesn't move, though, there's really no other choice.
Another slight scare - all of my blood work/tests came back normal, but they found a bright spot on the baby's heart which I believe they said is a calcium build-up that may dissolve with time... but that this spot is also commonly an indicator of Down Syndrome. I'm 34, so there's only a 1 in 10,000 risk. With this finding, though, they're lowering the odds to 1 in 5,000. Which is still pretty good odds for the baby to NOT have Down's, but I'm just really nervous. Dave's confident about just thinking positive and "knowing" that everything is going to be alright "because it's our baby and he's going to be perfect". I just cross my fingers and hope for the best from everything.
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